What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:19
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Has anyone shared his wife with a friend? How was it?
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
When she asked me how she looked .
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why are Republicans such intolerant people?
So, i spoilt her more .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I will be 64.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She wouldn,t have been !
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I have no regrets .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My life is so biszare .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot live in the past .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was 9 years of age.
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.